Bad Behavior
Help for partners of porn addicts,
HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS
Categories: Uncategorized

 

HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS  

by

Lindsay McKinnon

I lived with a porn addicted partner for over three years… which resulted in my being treated for post traumatic stress disorder.

When I was looking for help for partners of porn addicts, I found very little. There is a huge misconception about porn addiction and what it is. Unless counsellors are specifically trained  in sexual addiction, then they can cause far more harm than good with their ‘it’s healthy, all men do it’ advice. To begin, they do not recognise that it is an addiction or that they are dealing with an addict.

Like any other addict HE WILL LIE about how much he views, how it affects his thinking, his love making, his relationships.

HE IS AN ADDICT – HE WILL LIE ABOUT EVERYTHING. (my partner told his counsellor he watched no more than a couple of hours a week – in fact, he regularly watched up to eight hours a day).

The spouse of a porn addict is made to feel that she is the one that has the problem and should chill out…’it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you’ is not only not helpful, it is entirely wrong. Tests that were done with Rubin’s Love Scale proved that even after a short exposure to porn, partners felt less attraction and less love for their partner.

For the partner it is a living nightmare. You feel as though you are the one running through the streets in Invasion of the Body Snatchers, desperately trying to tell others that your once loving partner is now a soulless unfeeling husk, but are looked on as being delusional – which only adds to the trauma.

Comments such as ‘just sit down and talk to him about it’ show a total lack of understanding of what is happening. If you just ‘sat down and talked’ to a coke addict about his addiction, would you really be naive enough to believe it would help? Of course not.

Yet porn is more addictive than cocaine.

Dopamine and Norepinephrine among other naturally produced chemicals provide a volatile cocktail that make porn the hardest drug to overcome,  and – unlike cocaine – the addict WILL NEVER GET IT OUT OF HIS SYSTEM. Images are burnt on to the brain that remain forever, and will come into his mind when he is making love to his partner, whether he wants them to or not.

The brain is physically rewired and actually changes shape to produce new neural pathways away from sex with a human being and instead toward masturbation to porn, until it becomes the only way he can attain satisfaction. To get the same level of his fix of Dopamine he has to watch more porn and watch a greater intensity of degradation (producing a testosterone rush).

Unfortunately, unless you have lived through this dreadful experience, or are trained to deal with porn or sex addiction specifically,  you cannot possibly begin to understand the devastating effects it has on a couple. Eventually the man is unable to make love unless he watches porn first and brings in some of the most degrading acts into what was once a healthy loving relationship.

Porn has become rife over the last twenty years and incidents of erectile dysfunction are now happening with young guys in their twenties because of it, We are now seeing the effects of the first generation that has been brought up in a porn culture where their first exposure to porn happens from age 11. Not Playboy porn, but hardcore, torture, degradation and rape – all free and all at the click of a button and all going into the brain of our youth, who think its a ‘good way to learn about sex.’

Porn desensitizes to an alarming degree. In the UK we have just jailed a man for murdering ‘the girl next door’, by re-enacting the porn scenes that he watched regularly. When he had dumped the body, he went out for pizza and texted his g/f that he was bored.

I was devastated by my partner’s addiction (and his skewed views on what was normal… including ideas that children should be able to make up their own minds if they are ready for sex or not). I couldn’t find help anywhere.

I decided to use my skills as a writer and created a web site

www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com (brit spelling of behaviour) and am nearing completion of a book for partners called You Want Me To Do WHAT With That?! The Life Expectancy of a Relationship With a Porn Addict.

The site, and the book are written in a humorous style, but none the less serious in their intent. Humour breaks down many barriers and, by putting the situation the partner is facing in a way that shows how ridiculous it is, it helps the partner face what is a soul destroying situation.

The book includes comments and interviews with people and experts from all areas, including ex porn performers who show clearly how ‘harmless’ porn is not. You will also hear from porn performers who themselves are married to porn addicts, who will not make love to them, but will masturbate to porn instead.(which I think should be indluded in the dictionary under the definition for irony)

I would love to hear from partners of porn addicts, who have a story they would like to share with me to help other women.

I am starting a video series on my website in which I will be taking real stories and looking at what solutions are available in various situations.

I beg of other users not to confuse casual porn use with addiction and post comments that suggest ‘simply do’ this that or the other. There is no simple solution and porn addicts can take years to get over their addiction, with most failing to stay ‘sober’.

I leave you with these statistics

Over 56% of divorces now cite excessive porn use in their petition.
Partners are most often mistreated for a problem they have, not for the resulting trauma of living with their partner’s addiction.

One expert claims that 70% of partners end up being treated for post traumatic stress disorder (as I was).

Finally the Directory of  Mental Disorders will be adding porn addiction to their 2012 edition – which will hopefully result in a better education among counsellors.

This is a serious addiction, it is rife and it is devastating.                          No one wants to shout from the rooftops ‘hey I can’t get it up for my girlfriend anymore cos I watch too much porn’, so it remains under the radar while spreading faster than an internet virus.

On the site there is a fun (yes, fun!) his/hers quiz, Paramour or Porn Perv which may throw some light on what you are facing and give you a laugh at the same time.

I wish you all the love and affection you are undoubtedly no longer getting at home.

Good luck

Lindsay McKinnon

If you would like to buy a copy of Lindsay’s book to help a partner of a porn addict, you can do so here.

 

link banner for http://www.affordablewebsiteslancashire.co.uk/

8 Comments to “HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS”

  1. Lindsay says:

    Thanks Tad, glad you liked it ;-)

  2. Wai says:

    greetings, quality article, and a very good understand! one for my bookmarking.

    • THANKS TO YOUR COMMENT I JUST PUT THAT IN GOOGLE AND THIS ARTICLE IS NUMBER ONE FOR …HELP FOR PARTNERS OF PORN ADDICTS…,
      The frightening thing is there are more than 40 million pages turn up for this same phrase.
      It’s nice that the site is at number one for this phrase , because that is what we built the site to be….a place where partners of porn addicts can come and read and watch videos and laugh at some of Lindsay’s silly articles and cry at others.
      We are both very proud of http://www.dontrewardbadbehaviour.com and as the guy who puts the nuts and bolts together for the site I am proud of how Lindsay has pulled herself together over the past three years and become the woman I knew before.
      Thanks for your comment they mean a lot.

    • Ummulfuqarah says:

      Indeed, it IS an attack. A great many of these women deersve to come under attack, as do the deadbeat males that are as much a part of the problem!Having followed Lindsay’s writings on the subject for a few years now, IMO, she is more anti the ‘DPB as a way of lifestyle’ women. I don’t recall her saying banish it totally, but reform it.Too many use it as a career, not as the intended safety net.One reason your family has been paying outrageous tax bills!I have often written on the subject of ‘bludging beneficeries’I'm refering to exactly those- not to the person maimed or incapacitated. Not to the person between jobs, nor the abandoned wife who will soon be working again.I attack the bludgers- the no-talent ‘artists’, the junkies, the lazy and the useless by choice. If peoples see fit to include all benificaries in my attach, it is their lack of comprehension that has caused them to see it that way.I can’t speak for Lindsay- her beliefs are her own, but when you look at her writing in the same light as mine- well, make up your own mind!

  3. Barbi says:

    THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart for this page!I NEED this! I am snarky and I have to deal with things with humor to not loose my mind. I know that my husband we be glad that I found this site to help me heal the hurt that he has caused with his addiction.

    • Lindsay says:

      Hi Barbi and thank you for your comment. I think humour was the only thing that stopped me losing my mind during my time with a porn addicted partner; I am so glad it’s helping you too. Please let me know more, if you feel you can. I am so sorry it’s taken so long to get back to you, as it’s been such a crazy time for me. Are you still with your partner? Is he still an active addict (the addiction never goes away. I would love to hear from you again.
      Lindsay x

  4. B says:

    Hi Lindsay,
    I came across your website while searching for best books for partners of porn addicts. Even writing this is painful for me. It was the end of February 2012 when I found out about my partners porn use. He has been on these sites for over 13 years, which is the length of our relationship. He had a naked picture of himslef on a web site asking for sex. With more detective work, I found him a member of many sites, and for the next 8 months, I continued to find out more about my partners secret life. From paying for sites, to switching a credit card to another address so I would not see the purchases. My life has been a roller coaster of the most pain I have had in my life, including the divorce from my first marriage. I have sought counseling, and am still struggling with all of this. My partner has been trying, he has not been on his his computer for quite some time. But I am still so angry, non trusting and filled with so much emotion. I don’t know the whole truth, so I am still struggling with trying to find out if it was more then just internet porn. It has changed my life forever. Still hurting in Ontario Canada.

    • Lindsay says:

      Hi B, I am so sorry to hear your plight (and also for the time it’s taken for me to reply to this post). Yes, it does change your life – if it’s forever, is yet to be seen. The work on healing yourself can only come when you step back from his addiction. As for knowing how far he has gone – well, all addicts lie so that’s a difficult one. I would recommend that you rely on your instincts; again, a difficult thing to do when your nerves are jangling and, I imagine, the slightest thing is prone to set you off on an emotional roller coaster. It has been a good few months since you wrote this post and I dearly want to know how things are for you now. Please get back to me; I want to help you through this and give you all the moral support I can.
      THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THIS TUNNEL! I’d like to help you reach it.
      Lindsay

Leave a Reply